Sometimes having someone to hold you at night, is holding you back from your dreams.
People have become to comfortable sleeping with the enemy. Sleeping with the one who is keeping you from your purpose, your destiny, your greatness.
Being with the wrong person is a burden to some of you. Leave. So that you can be free to be who you were born to be.
I won’t desecrate beauty with cynicism anymore. I won’t confuse critical thinking with a critical spirit, and I will practice, painfully, over and over, patience and peace until my gentle answers turn away even my own wrath. I will breathe fresh air while I learn, all over again, grace freely given and wisdom honored; and when my fingers fumble, when I sound flat or sharp, I will simply try again.
I feel this everyday, the conflict of bring there for others, as i have been for years, or just spending time doing what I love and investing in me.
I haven’t been the easiest person to be around for the past few days because I feel stifled by my life. Not because I’m inundated with work but because I can’t seem to get the work I do have done because of this internal conflict.
And now I’m not being productive at all. I’m moody and angry I’m carrying quite a hefty load of resentment.
Sarah Bessey captured what I’m feeling ever so perfectly. Her insight gives me hope. Not because I have someone paddling with me in my canoe, but because there’s someone upstream who I can catch up with. 🙂
Sometimes I can think that pursuing my calling is selfish. I don’t know where I picked that up – perhaps it’s cultural conditioning, leftover bad theology, or something. On some sub-conscious level, I can feel guilty for taking time to create, for taking time to do the things I love to do, simply because I love to do them.
But the truth is that I start to falter without it. I become frustrated, tired, empty, if I’m not creating something, even if it’s just as simple as a few hundred words a day. I know this but I forget it sometimes. I skip creating in some grand self-sacrificial way but then everyone else ends up missing the best and most whole version of myself altogether. It isn’t until I sit down and do my work again that I return to the rest of my life – homemaking, raising children, community, church, school, marriage, all of it – as my most true self.