I feel this everyday, the conflict of bring there for others, as i have been for years, or just spending time doing what I love and investing in me.
I haven’t been the easiest person to be around for the past few days because I feel stifled by my life. Not because I’m inundated with work but because I can’t seem to get the work I do have done because of this internal conflict.
And now I’m not being productive at all. I’m moody and angry I’m carrying quite a hefty load of resentment.
Sarah Bessey captured what I’m feeling ever so perfectly. Her insight gives me hope. Not because I have someone paddling with me in my canoe, but because there’s someone upstream who I can catch up with. 🙂
Sometimes I can think that pursuing my calling is selfish. I don’t know where I picked that up – perhaps it’s cultural conditioning, leftover bad theology, or something. On some sub-conscious level, I can feel guilty for taking time to create, for taking time to do the things I love to do, simply because I love to do them.
But the truth is that I start to falter without it. I become frustrated, tired, empty, if I’m not creating something, even if it’s just as simple as a few hundred words a day. I know this but I forget it sometimes. I skip creating in some grand self-sacrificial way but then everyone else ends up missing the best and most whole version of myself altogether. It isn’t until I sit down and do my work again that I return to the rest of my life – homemaking, raising children, community, church, school, marriage, all of it – as my most true self.